2008 Woodie Awards
Dance, dance devolution
Megan Crothers
Issue date: 11/25/08 Section: Commentary
There are some forms of expression that can make a person appear as if they are lacking in the intelligence department.
I was driving to work and pulled up behind a dilapidated, rattling truck driven by some half-wit resident with a sign haphazardly taped to the back that read: "MACAIN 08 OK". Take note: this is a stupid form of expression.
For one, the election is over. Two, there was no one named "MACAIN" running for president. I watched the truck sputter through a red light and rumble off into the distance. At least there wasn't an "I Voted" sticker anywhere on the truck, phew! Then I would want to know why there isn't a mandatory IQ test associated with the privilege of voting.
We intellectuals are living among mere mammals.
There is a magical place where you can find more humans of such caliber in fairly large quantities: the club. Mammals flock to these clubs, probably due to some primal mating instinct. This appears to be their natural habitat, complete with loud music that restricts speech to a bare minimum. This is a comfort zone for them because it keeps the mammals, or "clubbers", from having to process thought into words that would likely be misspelled if scrawled on paper. But the music is only one of the factors that draw the clubbers back again and again.
Next there is the bar. This is a watering hole where the mammals drink hefty measures of liquor despite being properly hydrated. They never realize the implications of such activities until they lose control of their bodily functions and find themselves crying in the corner of the handicap bathroom stall wildly texting anyone in their phonebooks. No phone number is safe at this point, which means the next time they see Aunt Gertrude, she is undoubtedly going to ask why she received a message at 3 A.M. that read "I LUV U DRUNK 7SO MUCH LETS MKAK OUT 4EVER".
Apart from being a drunken social spectacle, there are other things these clubbers enjoy, something they refer to as dancing, though it closely resembles sexual rituals commonly practiced among responsible, monogamous couples for reproductive purposes. The mammals, though, don't seem to want any responsibilities, let alone offspring; they simply drink copious amounts of liquor, grind against one another, and, ultimately, mate. This often results in future recurrences (known as "booty calls"), rampant rises in STD levels, and infants.
I was driving to work and pulled up behind a dilapidated, rattling truck driven by some half-wit resident with a sign haphazardly taped to the back that read: "MACAIN 08 OK". Take note: this is a stupid form of expression.
For one, the election is over. Two, there was no one named "MACAIN" running for president. I watched the truck sputter through a red light and rumble off into the distance. At least there wasn't an "I Voted" sticker anywhere on the truck, phew! Then I would want to know why there isn't a mandatory IQ test associated with the privilege of voting.
We intellectuals are living among mere mammals.
There is a magical place where you can find more humans of such caliber in fairly large quantities: the club. Mammals flock to these clubs, probably due to some primal mating instinct. This appears to be their natural habitat, complete with loud music that restricts speech to a bare minimum. This is a comfort zone for them because it keeps the mammals, or "clubbers", from having to process thought into words that would likely be misspelled if scrawled on paper. But the music is only one of the factors that draw the clubbers back again and again.
Next there is the bar. This is a watering hole where the mammals drink hefty measures of liquor despite being properly hydrated. They never realize the implications of such activities until they lose control of their bodily functions and find themselves crying in the corner of the handicap bathroom stall wildly texting anyone in their phonebooks. No phone number is safe at this point, which means the next time they see Aunt Gertrude, she is undoubtedly going to ask why she received a message at 3 A.M. that read "I LUV U DRUNK 7SO MUCH LETS MKAK OUT 4EVER".
Apart from being a drunken social spectacle, there are other things these clubbers enjoy, something they refer to as dancing, though it closely resembles sexual rituals commonly practiced among responsible, monogamous couples for reproductive purposes. The mammals, though, don't seem to want any responsibilities, let alone offspring; they simply drink copious amounts of liquor, grind against one another, and, ultimately, mate. This often results in future recurrences (known as "booty calls"), rampant rises in STD levels, and infants.
Viewing Comments 1 - 2 of 2
Mikey Tamper
posted 11/30/08 @ 3:17 AM NA
Nice to see you back on your high horse, Megan. It's been awhile. Might have been more effective to call those "mammals" "philistines" since we are all mammals. (Continued…)
Tommy-S
posted 12/03/08 @ 9:09 AM NA
Anonymity: FAIL
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