The Lariat

Issue date: 10/31/07 Section: Halloween

Ryan Kuhn

Lariat editor in chief Ryan Kuhn was killed by a mob of neglected significant others of Lariat staff members. The significant others, fed up with the long hours, irritability, and broken plans, surrounded the 23-year-old journalism major. He was then surrounded, dragged outside, dressed in a highly-flammable bear costume and set on fire by Kylee Clouse and Brittanie Rivoli, two bitter victims of Kuhn's aggressive journalist style.

Kelsey Avers

Kelsey Avers, Lariat managing editor, died under mysterious circumstances Monday when she instantly exploded in response to the staff's fourteenth cut story of the week. Authorities have ruled the death spontaneous combustion. Avers was 19.

Rodrigo Azurmendi

Lariat news editor Rodrigo Azurmendi drank himself to death at a bar Sunday night as a direct result of his ongoing battle with News Editor Syndrome. Azurmendi was diagnosed with NES five issues into the semester, and had since developed eighteen ulcers. His death marks the Lariat's fifth causality of NES in the past three years. Azurmendi will be buried alongside former news editors Taryn Brunette and Elena Shaygan.

Ashleigh Johnson

Ashleigh Johnson, opinion editor, was the victim of her own creativity Sunday night when she was found stabbed to death with pencils, apparently by cartoon characters. While investigation is still underway, it is believed that the 20-year-old journalism major's imagination turned against her when it caused the sketched suspects to come to life.

Janelle Green

Life editor Janelle Green was beaten to death Wednesday after popping a bag of popcorn in the Lariat newsroom. According to authorities, the suspect, reporter Paul Chacolla, snapped in response to the aroma of the artificial butter. Green was 18.

Cerise Ostrem

Cerise Ostrem, sports editor, died Friday in a freak slipper accident that ignited Southern California's latest fire. The 20-year-old photojournalism major, who had not worn shoes for over three weeks, accidentally slung her father's oversized slipper off her foot as she raced to her camera bag a women's volleyball match. The slipper settled underneath the scoring table and, coming in contact with a bare wire, ignited the blaze.

Julian Williamson

Julian Williamson, assistant sports editor was found dead and dismembered following the previous night's editorial board meeting. According to witnesses, Williamson was caught in the crossfire between sports editor Cerise Ostrem and news editor Rodrigo Azurmendi when the semester-long feud over Williamson's talents for their perspective sections broke out into a literal tug-of-war over the journalist. Williamson was 20.

Continued...

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