2008 Woodie Awards
Babies: the hidden menace
Katie Mastro
Issue date: 10/3/07 Section: Opinion
From theme parks, cinemas, and libraries to supermarkets, department stores, and museums, babies can be heard wailing by every civilian victim nearby.
But which location reigns supreme as the biggest baby haven?
The crowned empire of the obnoxious clan is restaurants.
Restaurants galore are ruled by them. Oh do not let their innocent appearances fool you.
They frequent local watering holes for two purposes only, and they are to disrupt every enlightening conversation in a 50 foot radius and deafen those who naively decided to sit in close proximity.
Restaurant owners are well aware that babies love to haunt their proud establishments, for why else would they provide highchairs?
And they know that babies are obviously trendy now: even the emaciated Nicole Richie has decided to jump on the band wagon and sprout a baby, but the managers can not be responsible for luring families with babies.
They merely just have their business's future in mind.
Yes, babies are surely in season.
But should that necessarily translate to every decent dinner demolished, ripped into shreds because another blasted baby must shriek and holler at his spaghetti while the parents idly chew every scrap on their plates?
Parents seem to be the only ones immune to their children's abhorrent taunts. Perhaps they are blinded to the agonized society around them who silently wait, dearly hoping that the parents will awaken from their mental slumber and drag their litter outside.
It is quite understandable to discover herds of toddlers flocking about at a park or an amusement park.
In fact, no one can even complain when they have to endure tribes of untamable pigmies zooming between their legs in Fantasyland, McDonald's, or a park. Those are parts scorched on the map as undeniable baby refuges.
Such age neutral zones like movie theaters should deny babies access through the black double doors. These tiny bundles of pulsating flesh will not absorb a minuscule amount of the movie; they will just sit there with vacant expressions. But if the oblivious inattentive parents insist upon yanking their kids in the theater, then they should be restricted to PG and G rated movies.
Are PG-13 and R movies appropriate for these wiggling infants anyway?
Babies are no longer constrained by their parents these days.
Celebrities might be the culprits behind this if adults truly admire them and their childrearing. But parents should not try to mimic these dimwitted behaviors; parents need to govern their wild offspring for their baby's sake and surely everyone else's.
But which location reigns supreme as the biggest baby haven?
The crowned empire of the obnoxious clan is restaurants.
Restaurants galore are ruled by them. Oh do not let their innocent appearances fool you.
They frequent local watering holes for two purposes only, and they are to disrupt every enlightening conversation in a 50 foot radius and deafen those who naively decided to sit in close proximity.
Restaurant owners are well aware that babies love to haunt their proud establishments, for why else would they provide highchairs?
And they know that babies are obviously trendy now: even the emaciated Nicole Richie has decided to jump on the band wagon and sprout a baby, but the managers can not be responsible for luring families with babies.
They merely just have their business's future in mind.
Yes, babies are surely in season.
But should that necessarily translate to every decent dinner demolished, ripped into shreds because another blasted baby must shriek and holler at his spaghetti while the parents idly chew every scrap on their plates?
Parents seem to be the only ones immune to their children's abhorrent taunts. Perhaps they are blinded to the agonized society around them who silently wait, dearly hoping that the parents will awaken from their mental slumber and drag their litter outside.
It is quite understandable to discover herds of toddlers flocking about at a park or an amusement park.
In fact, no one can even complain when they have to endure tribes of untamable pigmies zooming between their legs in Fantasyland, McDonald's, or a park. Those are parts scorched on the map as undeniable baby refuges.
Such age neutral zones like movie theaters should deny babies access through the black double doors. These tiny bundles of pulsating flesh will not absorb a minuscule amount of the movie; they will just sit there with vacant expressions. But if the oblivious inattentive parents insist upon yanking their kids in the theater, then they should be restricted to PG and G rated movies.
Are PG-13 and R movies appropriate for these wiggling infants anyway?
Babies are no longer constrained by their parents these days.
Celebrities might be the culprits behind this if adults truly admire them and their childrearing. But parents should not try to mimic these dimwitted behaviors; parents need to govern their wild offspring for their baby's sake and surely everyone else's.
Viewing Comments 1 - 4 of 5
David
posted 10/02/07 @ 4:18 PM NA
What a modest opinion!
Andrew
posted 10/05/07 @ 4:03 AM NA
A baby's cry makes the same sound as a black hole.
MaryAnne Shults
MaryAnne
posted 11/08/07 @ 8:33 PM NA
Katie,
Consider getting your tubes tied now so you don't have to be the horribly embarrassed parent who can never get anything done because your infant/toddler/pre-schooler seems to have been possessed by a demon everytime you run to the grocery store or eat a family meal in a restaurant. (Continued…)
Tom Caldwell
posted 11/12/07 @ 7:26 AM NA
HAHAHA! Remember Claim Jumper? Is that my fork in your baby's head?
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