The Lariat

Issue date: 9/19/07 Section: Style

Crocs are for old people with swollen feet and the blind. Let's not sugarcoat it- they're hideous. I would ask you to dispose of them if you've mistakenly purchased them but they appear to be indestructible. I don't know what they're made of but I'm sure that whatever it is will outlive their owners. They're future space junk.

Surprisingly, they have a huge following. When a company can successfully market one product you know that they're bound to try to build on that success. Ergo, Crocs has announced that they will be putting out a line of apparel for children and men. It's an apparell easily worn by camp counselors and other men you probably wouldn't want to spend too much time with.

Moms love to dress their family in matching Crocs. It is sort of like when you were a little kid on a field trip and you had to wear a really bright shirt so the guardians could easily spot you and no one wears the shirt after that day because it draws too much attention. They're an eyesore and deserve to be mocked. Just because you saw that one picture of Jared Leto wearing them doesn't make them acceptable. You know who else you saw wearing them? Rosie O'Donnell. It has become a piece of the just-put-this-on-to-pick-up-the-kids uniform. It's an "I don't care" staple.

The apparel line seems to be slightly more biodegradable than the shoes but still seems to be poorly made synthetic fibers that the earth will struggle to eat. So I guess it is really geared for it's market- one that is far more concerned with function than fashion. Clothes are the barrier between skin and dirt. They absorb sweat and block sun. Strictly function.

The men's line isn't exactly marketed to the college crowd but I could easily see it fitting in with the typical college guy wardrobe- the guys that still let their moms do most of their shopping. It's basic shirts peppered with ugly and inevitably ill-fitting. Everything in their closets lack personality.

Anything currently being manufactured by the Crocs company and anything to be made in the future should be melted down and made into that kid's playground turf before ever gracing human flesh. Sure, kids may develop schizophrenia from looking at the borderline epilepsy testing colors, but better under their feet than on them.

Steve Irwin was a friend of crocs and look what happened to him. Don't be like Steve Irwin- say no to Crocs.

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